"If you see something, take photos and say something on your blog"

Written Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Dusted and language-controlled Monday, December 10th 2012

Parenting.

There's only one kind of parenting it's great parenting.

You see, hormones, and other life changes are things that make parents untouchable to mistakes and critique as they automatically make the right choice no matter their age or braincell count.Common sense is for teenagers and drunk drivers. If parents do to their kid what usually works on dogs then it must be the right choice. That's what I learnt today. What I always knew is that if you don't like some parent's parenting style then "You don't know what you're talking about, you don't have any kids". That's why I had a clear conscience when I walked away from this:

 See this is a shop just outside the office where I work, I was going out for a break and buy some groceries and saw a baby stroller outside Catwalk (a shop selling baby and kid clothing). Now I look around: no one's around. I look inside, one mom browsing through stuff in the shop. I take a look closer at the stroller and TADA!!! A REAL FUCKING BABY!!! :D And I found it FIRST! Haha, kidding. It's not the point.

It came as a scoop, for a normal guy like me it was time to head inside and go like "Hey m'am, You can't just leave your baby outside like that!" But hey, I'm not a normal guy, it wasn't cold (4°C, slight rain and fog) no big deal unless you're a pussy, and I don't know what I'm talking about because I don't have any kids anyway to relate. Screw arguing with a stranger. I wouldn't get the upper hand at all even if I was right, I would also let out the absurdity that you don't need special kidnapping skills to just grab that kid and get away with it thanks to those generous circumstances. Parents will most likely defend themselves annoyingly against any Nicky-injected feelings of guilt, bitch the mother would tell me I have a big nose just to hurt my feelings, no way: I would end the conversation with "Whatever you say, bitch person!", to leave the shop angry and eventually uhm, steal the baby.

So instead of interacting with the parent I acted like an adult and did what I had to do: I took pictures of the stroller before I went to buy my groceries, and after I took my time picking the heaviest eggs, freshest tomatoes, comparing prices, walking really slowly because I didn't want to use a cart and I piled up all the articles on one arm, swiping my bonus card (oh yeah, you can't spit on those monthly discounts), I was on my way back and it's 16:38. The stroller is still outside the shop, baby is still pink enough for me not to panic and just pull out my camera and snap a shot, and the mom is just on her way to pay for probably THE PERFECT CLOTHES TO WEAR IN A BABY COFFIN.

That was today's delight, a true delight. But it would have been better if another customer arrived and hooked his dog, the baby eating kind of dog, next to the stroller. I'm not even going to fantasize about kidnapping scenes because it's too easy and hey: I did stop twice, stood there and took pictures from different angles in a big white winter jacket, very obvious, and neither the mother or the owner behind counter noticed a stranger interacting near the baby. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

Parents. You really make my day sometimes.

I wanted to name this article "If you don't like your baby why don't you just pancake its head with a sledgehammer" but many girls are reading this blog.